


None Of Them Are Right(Because None Of Them Are Jayne)

by Alazan



Category: Firefly
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Crushes, Friendship, Humor, I'm Bad At Tagging, Jealous Jayne, People Watching, Protective Mal, Sex Talk, Sly Simon, friends hanging out
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-18
Updated: 2015-06-18
Packaged: 2018-04-04 22:58:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,855
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4156158
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alazan/pseuds/Alazan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In my story, "What's He Got That I Don't?" there was a part that said: Heck, once when it was just them they actually lounged around trying to get passengers and rated the men that passed by. Laughing at each one's very silly and outrageous excuse as to why it would never work.</p><p>And I wanted to expand on it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	None Of Them Are Right(Because None Of Them Are Jayne)

**Author's Note:**

> Translations(Provided by the Dictionary page on Firefly Wiki): 
> 
> dohn-ma = Understand?  
> Pi Gu = Ass, Bottom, Posterior.  
> Yeh Su = Jesus  
> Wou Duh Tian Ah = Oh my God  
> Hwen Dan = Bastard

Kaylee waved at Zoe and Wash until they disappeared in the distance. They were off to resupply everything they needed for Serenity. Inara was off doing companion business. The good Shepherd wanted to stop by the local church while they were there.

Jayne was finishing up getting ready to head out with Mal on possibly getting another job as Mal approached Kaylee and Simon. "Alright you two. Everyone else is off doin' whatever it is they do. You two stick 'round an' see if we can get a passenger or two."

"You got it Captain." Kaylee saluted with a grin while Simon stood next to her and nodded. 

"Doc, as much as I love our lil Kaylee an' her good intentions, I'll trust you to double check our would-be passengers. Profit's profit, but I'd like to avoid any reenactment of when you first joined our beloved crew,  _dohn-ma?"_

Simon chuckled lightly and nodded, "Yes, Captain."

"Hey Cap, think we can stop by a bar on our way there?" Jayne asked as he came up to the group. 

Mal rolled his eyes, "We'll see Jayne. Later kiddies. Remember...no shady people. Honest folk, like us!" then he looked over at Jayne and turned back to the two, "Well...maybe not like _all_ of us."

At Jayne's indignant 'Hey!', Mal winked at them before heading off. Kaylee waved at them until they were both out of sight as well.

Kaylee turned back to Simon and asked, "Where's River?"

"She found some books in the infirmary that she needed to ' _correct_ '. All for the better, I suppose. We may not be close to the center planets, but I still like to be on the cautious side. Knowing she's preoccupied inside is a calming thought."

Kaylee nodded as she went to where the lawn chairs were, Simon following to help her. They set them up on the ramp and took their seats. They were docked on a semi-busy port. Not as busy as Persephone, but still good traffic. 

"So...did anything happened between you and that guy from our last job?" Kaylee asked with a slight grin on her face. 

Simon blushed as he looked away and squawked, " _Kaylee_!" 

She giggled, "What?"

"That's hardly appropriate to ask!"

"Oh come on. Somethin' had to happen. He was droolin' all over you. Practically undressed ya in front of us. Captain nearly tore his head off when he slapped ya on your _Pi Gu_  in front of everyone. Though that ain't nuthin' compared to the anger I saw in Jayne's eyes." she commented casually as she pulled out her hand fan and began to fan herself.  _  
_

" _Yeh Su..."_ Simon muttered as he wiped his forehead with his handkerchief. 

"Come on! Tell me! Please!?" Kaylee pleaded.

"Do you ask Inara about her time with her clients?" Simon asked, blush rising to his ears.

"Course! She doesn't tell me everything on account of client confidentiality, but that's mostly for boring stuff like their status or job. I just wanna know what happened between the sheets." she smirked and bit her lip slightly. 

This was a side of her that Simon has come to know since they came to terms that there couldn't be anything romantic or sexual between them. It had been awkward at first, since Kaylee's feelings were hurt, but after a while their friendship proved to be stronger. Since then, they've been their respective wingman/woman. Helps the other find a person they wouldn't regret waking up to or in case they were being harassed, they'd pretend to be together.

With her, Simon was slowly becoming less stiff and more open with things he once couldn't even utter out loud. Like what he was about to admit next, "We didn't even make it to the sheets."

"But you did make it _somewhere_ , right?" she asked excitedly. 

Simon smiled sheepishly. 

"Siiiiiiiimon!"

"Okay, okay. He pulled me into one of the unoccupied rooms...and he went down on me."

" _Wou Duh Tian_ Ah! Wait, was he any good?" Kaylee raised an inquisitive brow in question.

 _"_ Well...I've had better. _"_ Simon admitted. 

"Really? By who?" 

"Before running away from my life in the center planets? When I was first experimenting and one of my classmates. His name was Jack. Though I was new to it all, so maybe that's why I remember it as great. After joining Serenity? You remember a few jobs back where the Captain asked me to be the fancy-schamncy boss again?"

"Mmhmm." the mechanic nodded. 

"Well, the Captain needed a distraction to get to the supplies and have enough time to get them to Zoe and Jayne." he began to explain, his face all rosy and it had nothing to do with the planet's humidity and warmth. Clearing his throat, he made a waving motion with his hand and hoped that she would catch his meaning. 

"Wait," she giggled as she sat up in her chair and turned to face him more, "You mean to tell me you were getting blown while the others snuck out the goods? Is that why the Captain shared some of his reserved whiskey with ya?"

Simon sighed, "Yeah, well...we were too close to getting caught. All the while there the guy kept hitting on me. To make sure everything went as smooth as possible I was...polite and kind in turn. Not really rejecting, but also not encouraging....the security there was insane. Even with Jayne and Zoe's great marksmanship, it would have been hell to get out with everything and not be hurt. So...when things got south, I...I asked if he'd show me his private office. He was a man of power who was sly in a world that...well, anyone takes any shots that they could."

"He turned off or sent 'way any unneeded guards." Kaylee supplied. 

"Right. Those that were left, weren't any match for the Captain, Zoe, and Jayne."

"Now I remember that...Jayne was in a mood for weeks!"

Simon looked away, "Don't know why..."

Kaylee scoffed. "Like hell! You know he likes you s'much as the rest of us can see, plain as day!"

"Obviously plain as day isn't as clear a sight as it once was. Jayne barely tolerates me."

"Yeah, yeah...oh, look at that cutie. What would you think 'bout getting blown by him?" Kaylee asked as she 'discreetly' pointed at a passer by with her fan. 

Simon tried to look without looking and shrugged. "Beard's too long. It'd be too scratchy."

"Okay, whatta 'bout him? He's good lookin'." Kaylee asked as she pointed to another man. 

"Good looking, yes. For me?" Simon shook his head, "No."

"What? Why not? Is it cos he ain't smart? You shouldnta judge people. He may not be book smart, but he could be other types of smart." she chided lightly and hit his knee with her fan. 

"It's not that." he rolled his eyes as he swatted the fan away.

"Yeah, then what?" she asked curiously.

"We have the same body type. I...I like someone...bigger than me." he mumbled.

"Uh huh..." she smiled smugly to herself. Like he just gave her a huge secret. "An' him?" she pointed to someone else. 

Simon followed the direction her fan was pointing and looked at the guy. The young doctor shook his head and laughed, "No. That mustache...just no."

"So what your lookin' for is a big fella, with no facial hair-"

"I actually do like facial hair, it just has to be neat." Simon chimed in.

"Right, so _some_ facial hair. Lemme guess. He'll have interestin' stories about every scar he's got. Know guns and knives and-"

" _Stop_." Simon hissed, then sighed as he placed his face in his hands. "I _don't_ have a thing for Jayne."

"You think you can't have a thing for Jayne." Kaylee corrected. She smiled tenderly over at him. "It's alright if an' you do."

"No, it's not. Because even... _even_ if I _did_ , which I'm not saying I _do_ , what good could it possibly do? He can't stand me."

"Sure he can. Jayne's just... _Jayne_!" she shrugged helplessly, not knowing what else to say. 

"Exactly. And Jayne doesn't like me."

"How can someone not like _you_?" 

Kaylee and Simon turned to look at the voice who spoke, having been too sidetracked to keep on their task. It was a tall, handsome man. His hair was combed to the side, he was clean shaved, and he was dressed rather nice compared to many others that were passing by. He didn't dress like Simon, but as the doc's eyes wondered before he caught himself, he thought the man looked... _very_ nice.

Without missing a beat, Simon replied, "I'm an acquired taste. Mostly reserved for those with a finer palate, like my friend Kaylee here." 

The man chuckled, "Well, I'd love to have a taste."

"You looking for a ride?"

"From you? Wouldn't mind." the man replied with a heated gaze and easy smirk. 

Simon's eyes widened a bit and blushed heavily as he cleared his throat. Luckily, or not depending on how you see it, he didn't have to reply.

"Sorry, we ain't takin' on any new passengers. Doc, why don't you go help Jayne and Wash unload the merch." the Captain said in a steely voice as he locked eyes with the man. 

Kaylee and Simon shared a look before staring back at the Captain, but more importantly notice how Jayne was glaring at the stranger. If looks could kill...

"Need I be repeating myself?" Mal asked.

"No Captain." Simon nodded his head in goodbye and went to help Wash with the smaller things. Jayne right behind him. Like right, _right_ behind him. 

When Simon looked over his shoulder, the stranger was gone but the Captain was standing there, arms crossed as if he was guarding the entrance. He saw Kaylee approach the Captain, but he was too far to hear what was being said. 

Kaylee stood next to Mal and watched the stranger disappear into the crowd. "Looked like he coulda had some money."

"Yeah well...it ain't worth it if Jayne killed him mid-flight. I had to promise him I'd pay for drinks next bar to keep him from killin' that poor  _Hwen Dan_  after that comment." Mal said as he ran his hand through his hair in exasperation. "Not sure at all if an' I'll be happy once they do somethin' bout this tension or not."

"Simon's not gonna make the first move. So it'll be interestin' to see what Jayne does." Kaylee replied with a smile.

Before Mal to reply to that, Kaylee was already down the ramp to meet Inara half way. 

"Interesting?" Mal asked himself with a scoff. "More like most likely illegal and dangerous..."

He sighed as he watched the rest of his crew come back and board. Heading in himself after making sure everything they brought in was okay and ready for take off, he was passing by the infirmary, only to see Jayne watching the doc intently from far away. 

He shook his head and repeated, "Most likely illegal and dangerous..." 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I didn't know how else to describe the person I wanted, to I used a picture. And yes, I chose Liam Hemsworth. Why?...I don't think I really need a reason why xD 
> 
> Anyway...uh, hope you enjoyed and thanks for reading ^^


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